Forgive me. It was not my plan to launch a book and then vanish for a month.
My plan was to do normal book launch things. Podcasts and emails, new articles, celebration dinner, etc.
That did not happen.
What actually happened tested my capacity. In the days leading up to the launch, three separate people in my inner circle were struck by permanent and life altering health issues.
Any one of these things would have weighed me down. All of them together tested the limits of my ability to meet the world with a strong spine and a soft heart.
Situations like this clarify priorities quickly. I care about the book. A lot. I worked on it forever, but I care more about the people in my life. For the last month, my focus has been on supporting them and making sure that I’m emotionally available.
It made me grateful for my clinical training, as well as the daily work of a therapist, accompanying people in their deepest pain. Perhaps more relevantly, I’ve had to endure more hard moments in my life than I would have ever expected.
The whole experience made me reflect on one of the questions I get the most from friends and clients: “What do I say when someone I love is struggling? How do I support someone going through [a breakup, addiction, a legal issue, etc.]?”
The truth is, there’s not much to say. This type of pain lives in a place that words can’t usually reach. Instead, your job is to let your heart break for this person, let them feel your love, but not collapse yourself. You want to be available for them to lean on as needed.
I realize this sounds abstract. Here’s how to do it. Keep in mind that specifics vary a bit depending on what your loved one is facing, but these principles apply broadly:
1. Hold space for them as they are.
There’s a paradox in counseling psychology: if you want to help a client change themselves or heal their traumas, you have to convince them that you adore them as they are. In other words, you have to help them feel (not think, but feel) that they’re lovable in this exact moment, even with all the shit, baggage, and bad behavior in their lives. If you’re not able to hold a client in a deep sense of loving awareness, then they won’t have the freedom to opt into change and own it for themselves. They’ll be doing it out of some form of coercion or appeasement and it won’t stick. Of course, none of this needs to be conscious on the client’s end, it’s just the necessary prerequisite.
Your loved one who’s going through it is likely going to be a mess. They’re probably afraid of the future, afraid that the pain will never end, confused about what’s happening, and looking to the outside world for clarity and relief. Or maybe they’re in some form of denial or magical thinking. All of this is to be expected.
There’s a good chance that their pain and vulnerability will make you uncomfortable. We want life to be clean and polished and easy. But it’s not. Life is at its best when it’s raw and messy and human.
And while you can’t take their pain away, you can hold space for them by staying steady, open, and loving while life wrecks them. That’s the best thing you can possibly give them.
2. If you have personal experience with what they’re going through, or something adjacent to it, share it.
One of my clients recently called me about his close friend who was caught being unfaithful. The friend had a huge amount of remorse and confusion, as he genuinely loved his partner and didn’t want to hurt her, even though he did. My client has earned several years of sobriety from alcohol. While these two things appear different on the surface, at a deep level, they’re the same. The individual is captured by a compulsive behavior (in this case drinking and acting out sexually, but it could be gambling, overspending, overeating, drugs, etc.), and that behavior hurt everyone around them. Including themselves.
My client wanted to know how to help his friend. The best answer: listen, love, and share your own experience with addiction and recovery. If you happen to have resources that helped you (a therapist, books, a support group, etc.), share those too. While alcohol and sex are different compulsions, the experience of being joined by someone else who has struggled and overcome their compulsions is priceless.
3. Facilitate a balance between dealing with it and distraction.
We are not meant to be suspended in pain without distraction. And likewise, we can’t spend our entire lives ignoring our pain.
Most people lean too much in one direction or the other. They hyper-focus on the pain or they bypass it. If your loved one is open to a bit of guidance, gently observe which direction they’re leaning in, and nudge them in the other.
If they’re wallowing a bit too much, invite them out. A simple, “Let’s grab brunch, my treat. Obviously no pressure, but I think it would be good to get out for a bit. Besides, pancakes are the new penicillin.”
If they’re avoiding the pain a bit too much, try, “No pressure, but I know you’re going through a lot. Tell me, what’s it like to be you right now? How are you holding up?” And then be quiet, listen, and love. They may not want to talk. That’s totally fine. Your job is to gently give them the chance to process with you once every week or two. And of course, if they call you, take the call.
4. Help with the basics.
One of the most disorienting parts of crisis is that life continues to march on. It feels like things should stop for illness, heartbreak, or loss. But it doesn’t. Bills need to get paid, food needs to be made, and eventually, you have to return to work.
For many of us, this leaves us with little space to process everything that’s happened. I’ve certainly been there. While you can’t process the pain for someone, you can create a bit of space for them by helping with life’s basics. Think about the areas that can’t be neglected: food, childcare, cleaning, shopping, bills, deadlines. If there’s space for you to help with any one of these things, then do that. I remember once after a breakup, a friend and his partner made me tacos and let me collapse on their couch. That was many years ago, and I still deeply appreciate it.
One of my favorite moves is to send a digital DoorDash or Uber Eats gift card to people who are struggling. It’s a burst of care and it helps them stay fed. If I were better at cooking, I’d make a lasagna, but I don’t think anyone wants that.
5. A few things not to do.
While it’s tempting to tell the person:
- “Don’t worry, it will be ok”
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “I know exactly what you’re going through”
- “It could have been worse”
- “A lot of people have it worse than you”
Don’t do that.
Comments like these tend to create more distance than intended, as they signal that unconsciously, you’re not comfortable with their pain and need them to cheer up. They’re also a departure from what we know to be true. In some instances, people really aren’t ok. The sense that things happen for a reason is faith, not fact. And while sharing your story can be helpful (especially with permission), pain is a deeply personal experience. At best, we can only sight-read the notes. The relative perspective can be useful, but only if the person comes to it organically. When it’s forced upon them, it tends to make them feel small.
By staying deeply rooted in the truth of, “I see your pain, I’m here for you, and I love you,” you give the person the time, space, and love that they need.
***
If you take nothing else away I hope it’s this: holding someone in crisis with loving awareness is the most powerful thing you can do. You won’t be able to take their pain away, but you can create an emotional and spiritual environment where it’s a bit easier for them to process. That’s a deceptively valuable and rare gift. If you want to nudge them in the direction of health, you could also try helping them move between processing and resting, sharing your own experience with crippling pain, or helping with the unavoidable parts of life. But really, your job is to show compassion and love by letting your heart break too, reminding them that you’re here, shoulder to shoulder, through it all.
As for my people, we’re hanging in there. Two people are recovering and adapting to the new normal, the third is exhibiting amazing bravery and courage. Personally, I’m alright. I’ve kept my priorities clear, and stayed focused on the basics (sleep, exercise, meditation, leaning on my people, white space when I can find it). I’m hitting the point where I know I’ll be ok and fall back in love with life soon. I may even get around to promoting that book…