By far, the biggest thing that happened in my life during the writing hiatus was getting married.
But the path from being single to finally meeting my wife was a hard one.
There were so many painful moments: a breakup in the middle of moving to a new home; a breakup on New Year’s Eve while getting ready for a party; endless bad first dates; and a few instances of meeting a really good person, trying to make it work, and just… not being able to. And that’s when I was lucky enough to even get dates…
One of the most pivotal moments took place while I was swiping through Hinge (a dating app) hoping to find a great person. With no warning, I got an automated message saying, “You’ve seen everyone for now. Try changing your filters so more people match your criteria.”
The app was literally telling me I’d run out of people.
Woof.
My first instinct was to throw my phone off the balcony. My second instinct was to move to a new city.
After I settled down, I decided to start with an internal change instead of an external one. I asked myself what would happen if I focused on the abundance in my life, instead of the scarcity.
I looked online for practices to develop an abundance mindset, but only found things related to the Law of Attraction that didn’t feel right. Things like “Write a check to your future self for a million dollars” seemed almost belittling and delusional. I wanted an abundant relationship to the present moment of my life, without the delusion, even if it was challenging.
So, for lack of anything better to do, I started setting a five minute timer on my phone and ranting about all of the great things that were already in my life while I drove to work. In many instances, these were simple things: enough food, clean water, a warm place to live, a few people who love me, etc. The sad truth is that not everyone has these, and my failure to appreciate them would be a major oversight.
With time, I added in not just things that were abundant in my life, but things that I was grateful for, too — a body that works well (for now), a mind that works well (for now), clients who trust me with their mental health, etc.
I kept challenging myself to come up with increased awareness and appreciation of the abundant things in my life: flawed love that helped me grow, cool sunglasses and backpacks (I can’t help myself!), living in an era with airplanes, AI, and podcasts…I mean, this stuff is wild!
While it wasn’t a magic bullet, piece by piece, my perspective started changing, and it bled over into my dating life, too. I started trusting myself a bit more. I started being a bit more forgiving with myself, too. Though I yearned and yearned and yearned to be married 15 years ago (truly), I also recognized that my life was already filled with amazing things. If I needed to wait a bit longer for my life partner, so be it.
Then, Megan and I matched. Our first messages were about our personal gratitude and abundance practices. The five minute journal for her, five minutes of ranting about abundance for me.
We never know which decisions are superfluous and which ones are necessary for us to get to where we’re going. For me, it’s hard to imagine meeting her without seriously leveling up my mindset. I fear without this little five minute practice, I’d still be holding myself back from throwing my phone off the balcony.
Today, I often spend five minutes ranting about gratitude and abundance while I drive to work. It continues to shift my mind in deeply positive ways.
I also periodically assign it to clients, not just to help them get through the pains of dating, but for anytime life feels contracted and collapsed. Those who do it report shifts in how they feel and how they move through their lives.
So, if you’d like to try for yourself, the practice is easy:
- Set a timer for five minutes.
- Spend that time ranting to yourself (or God, or the universe, or your dog) about the abundance that’s already in your life and the things that you’re grateful for.
- Notice what happens in your mind and your body as you consciously shift your attention. You might notice your mind expanding, or your body feeling more energized, playful, and at ease. Good. Stay with that.
- Once the timer goes off, let the practice go and move on with your day.
If you do try this, please email me. I’d love to hear how it goes for you.
PS — I want to flag one thing here: we do not want to drift into toxic positivity. That’s one of the reasons it’s meant to be five minutes and not all day. Toxic positivity is pretending that you’re good when you’re not, or encouraging others to do the same. What we’re really aiming to do here is widen the aperture. The mind has a nasty habit of contracting around scarcity. By forcing it to see the abundance that already exists, we create more spaciousness and a clearer view of reality. The trick is to hold both at the same time. So in my example, dating still sucked. We’re not denying that. I mean, who wants to go through a breakup while half-dressed as John Lennon for a “Celebrity New Year’s Party”? We don’t deny our pain, but we also don’t pretend like it’s the only thing in the world.